11/01/2010
This is from yesterday.
I think the only moment in my life where I have had more clarity than I’ve had today was the day I realized what God was to me.
Where to start? I just made a post this morning on the topic of fear; specifically, fear of parts of myself that wanted to come forward. When I was a child, I used to dream I was an animal (usual a hawk), and I wasn’t a human acting like a hawk; I was the hawk and was able to feel what that would feel like. At some point, my dreams became nightmares, and I ventured into the dark areas of my unconscious…not a pleasant thing to do as a child. I was always afraid to go to sleep. Also, around this same time, my friends and I, when we got a bunch of us together for slumber parties and such, used to do ‘spells’. Where we got the information on how to do this, who knows? We all just knew how to do them. We conjured up all kinds of interesting and scary things in order to scare ourselves. These experiences contributed greatly to my nightmares and the ‘evil’ that I felt was present.
I put all of these dark parts away for a long time in order to save my sanity (I thought), but they still haunted me during bouts of depression. My biggest fear of these things coming forward was that I would become insane or that other would believe I was. The feelings that came would most certainly consume me.
I’ve also known that I have a gift for helping people to make the transition during the period we call dying and ease their fears by some form of telepathic communication. This is not something I’ve ever told anybody (again, fear I will be looked at as ‘crazy’). I’ve always been drawn to work with hospice patients, but I have not gone forward with that because of the last few years watching my dear father-in-law pass and taking care of my own dad and his passing. It has just been too painful. Also, I have an idea of book regarding children and dreams, but never thought of myself as a ‘writer’ so have not been moving forward with that.
The dreams/experiences I have were becoming clearer and more powerful every day as I began to work with these subconscious/unconscious realms.
I’ve been asking spirit for some time what is it I am ‘meant’ to do. All of these areas have been presenting themselves as past lives, symbols, dreams, and I understood that something big was coming. I’ve had these things all swirling around my head, wondering how they fit and praying I don’t take a wrong/painful turn. I looked at them all as separate pieces, and it was confusing.
After I made my post about my fears, I had the pleasure of driving my daughter to a visit with her grandmother, so I got to spend about 3 hours in the car (one of my favorite things to do is go for long drives), and it came to me in an instant of clarity. Now is the time for this part of me to come forward and step into who I am. And, I don’t have to choose one way or another to go, because all of these parts that scared me are going to come together quite nicely. All of the symbols, past lives, and the past in this life all came to me in almost a split second. It was almost overwhelming.
Of course, my lower self says “but what if…”
And as if to put answer that voice and put a giant an exclamation point on this experience, I looked up at that moment, and there was this huge billboard advertisement that read “Vision what it would be like to help others with their dreams.” And just beyond that, there was billboard with a panther on it. Those of you who have read some of my more recent posts know the panther is important to me.
My body is having trouble containing the excitement I am feeling. This is it. I feel it in my soul.
So…I will take my warrior spirit and my panther and journey boldly down this path.
