Decision to step boldly into myself

11/01/2010  

This is from yesterday.

I think the only moment in my life where I have had more clarity than I’ve had today was the day I realized what God was to me.

Where to start?  I just made a post this morning on the topic of fear; specifically, fear of parts of myself that wanted to come forward.  When I was a child, I used to dream I was an animal (usual a hawk), and I wasn’t a human acting like a hawk; I was the hawk and was able to feel what that would feel like.  At some point, my dreams became nightmares, and I ventured into the dark areas of my unconscious…not a pleasant thing to do as a child.  I was always afraid to go to sleep.  Also, around this same time, my friends and I, when we got a bunch of us together for slumber parties and such, used to do ‘spells’.  Where we got the information on how to do this, who knows?  We all just knew how to do them.  We conjured up all kinds of interesting and scary things in order to scare ourselves.  These experiences contributed greatly to my nightmares and the ‘evil’ that I felt was present.

I put all of these dark parts away for a long time in order to save my sanity (I thought), but they still haunted me during bouts of depression.  My biggest fear of these things coming forward was that I would become insane or that other would believe I was.  The feelings that came would most certainly consume me.

I’ve also known that I have a gift for helping people to make the transition during the period we call dying and ease their fears by some form of telepathic communication.  This is not something I’ve ever told anybody (again, fear I will be looked at as ‘crazy’).  I’ve always been drawn to work with hospice patients, but I have not gone forward with that because of the last few years watching my dear father-in-law pass and taking care of my own dad and his passing.  It has just been too painful.  Also, I have an idea of book regarding children and dreams, but never thought of myself as a ‘writer’ so have not been moving forward with that. 

The dreams/experiences I have were becoming clearer and more powerful every day as I began to work with these subconscious/unconscious realms. 

I’ve been asking spirit for some time what is it I am ‘meant’ to do.  All of these areas have been presenting themselves as past lives, symbols, dreams, and I understood that something big was coming.  I’ve had these things all swirling around my head, wondering how they fit and praying I don’t take a wrong/painful turn.  I looked at them all as separate pieces, and it was confusing.

After I made my post about my fears, I had the pleasure of driving my daughter to a visit with her grandmother, so I got to spend about 3 hours in the car (one of my favorite things to do is go for long drives), and it came to me in an instant of clarity.  Now is the time for this part of me to come forward and step into who I am.  And, I don’t have to choose one way or another to go, because all of these parts that scared me are going to come together quite nicely.  All of the symbols, past lives, and the past in this life all came to me in almost a split second.  It was almost overwhelming.

Of course, my lower self says “but what if…”

And as if to put answer that voice and put a giant an exclamation point on this experience, I looked up at that moment, and there was this huge billboard advertisement that read “Vision what it would be like to help others with their dreams.”  And just beyond that, there was billboard with a panther on it.  Those of you who have read some of my more recent posts know the panther is important to me.

My body is having trouble containing the excitement I am feeling.  This is it.  I feel it in my soul.

So…I will take my warrior spirit and my panther and journey boldly down this path. 

Isn’t life an adventure?

Ben

This just made me feel really good.  I feel myself 'leave my body.'  There is a presence with me that feels like Ben (my guide), and I ask him if I can see him.  This time I see him looking like a cross between a gray-haired Michael Landon (the hair) and Clint Eastwood (but much prettier than either of them...lol).  He is wearing a poncho.  I ask him why I keep seeing him as different each time, and he say he is 'all of them but one.'  I feel compelled later to tell him that I feel like a very young child in my knowledge and wished I could remember more...and we end up in a daycare center...lol.

Pagan/witch ritual

This is a dream given to me by one of my past lives.  I'm sure I was what was considered a "witch" or pagan in Ireland around the 1420's.

In the dream there is a crone archetype, and there are several young women standing around in a circle.  One by one, each of the women walk up to the crone. She would prick their fingers, and they would let a drop of the blood fall on a yellow rose.  They would then pin the rose to their dress.  I was the last one to do this.

Animus and the saber tooth leopard

I don't remember this one as well as I would like. It started out as a dream and then, at some point, I became lucid.

The part where I begin to remember is that where there is a saber toothed (panther) leopard (yep...a leopard with big teeth sticking out), and I'm running away from it. We are in a house and I run out the door. I 'trick' the leopard to follow me out, and then I go back inside and lock him out (what is it I do not want to face right now?). Anyway, it is somewhere at this point where I realize I'm dreaming and I can easily go into astral, and so I do. We are in a library. There is someone with me, although I'm not sure who, I am comfortable with them, a guide. I ask them who they are, and he answers "Dodd." But then it occurs to me that I need to ask him ?What are you? And he answers "the animus." :)

Two fantastic dreams last night

The first dream I was flying with someone, but I do not know who. I only know I felt close to them. But we went up high into the sky just see how beautiful the moon was :)

The second dream, the first part I remember was being in a motorboat on very rough waters going through town (like Venice only with turbulence). The driver of the boat was my father-in-law (my ex's dad), and I was aware that my ex's whole family were with me in the boat. (My father-in-law loved to sail). My father-in-law passed away almost 2 years ago. Then then dream suddenly changed, and I was with my family (dad, mom, sister, brother), and we were getting ready to walk in a parade with my dad who was running for some sort of office (he actually did run for office several years ago). My dad passed away a little over a year ago.

Not sure what to title this one :)

I have been having some pretty scary experiences with my dreamtime/travels, and I'll post about them later, but I had this dream that, for whatever reason, made me feel really good this morning. If anyone has some insights, I would love for you to share them.

I was in a house with a bunch of others I did not know...I think they were all men. They all had these loose cords draped over them attached to a phone (looked like an old cordless handset) near their neck. I understood that this was how they 'traveled' because they were not from here. I felt very much at ease around them, one in particular. I walked up to that man and put my arms around him and hugged him tight, and I felt very secure. I then stepped back realizing I had probably invaded his space and apologized. He smiled and said "that's alight. I get that a lot." Then suddenly, they all had to leave, like there was some sort of threat coming. They all pushed buttons on their 'phones' and I saw a bunch of flashes of light, and they were gone. All except for the one I had hugged. His phone was broken, so he couldn't leave. I showed him where to hide under the bed. He fixed his phone and was gone.

"Metatrondish"

This afternoon during meditation, I first saw the colors orange and yellow flash by and felt a guide with me. I was taken to an ‘office’ and was shown some paperwork with the name “Karla Kala.” Then I was taken to a place where we were sitting on some sort of scaffolding type structure way up high. I turned to this guide. I noticed right away that his face had some sort of acne or something like that covering it. He had brown tousled hair and a mustache. He was dressed in construction type clothing. I asked him his name, and I heard something like “Metatrondish.” I asked him to repeat, and he laughed and said the same thing. I asked him if I could just call him ‘Mete’ lol. Then, I suddenly found myself falling fast, and I called to him and found myself being lifted back up again. I thanked him and then woke up.

I decided this evening to just google the name I thought I heard, and I found reference to an angel by the name, Metatron...could it be? :)

My Energy

Before I fell asleep last night, I felt my guide's presence very strongly. I felt totally and completely loved...the energy around me was so strong. I told him I wanted to 'BE' the love that I felt. I also felt him on and off throughout most of the night.

Then, I had a really long dream just before I got up this morning. I don't remember a lot of it. What I do remember is that the neighbors had some pet rabbits that they were being very cruel to, and I was trying to figure out how to save them (rabbit is one of my totem animals). Then, there is a huge blank space....

The end of the dream I remember clearly, though. There was a large group of people outdoors (like at a picnic or something), none of who I knew. There was a man sitting on a bench and I was standing several feet away. He was talking about how he could tell if people had good intentions and such by reading their energy. Then there was something inside me that told me to 'try.' So, purposefully started 'pushing' my energy outward (and I felt it...felt very strong to me). With that, I felt the same powerful love I recieve from spirit. The man on the bench feels this and looks right at me and says "wow!" I smile and feel a little embarressed and tell him I'm so sorry, I'm trying to bring my energy back in, and I did that too (that was more difficult that pushing it out).

That was it :)

Dream of spirit flying into my mouth

I came upon a scene in a bathroom where there were two people torturing another one. Then there is a part I cannot remember. I just remember that the spirit (a tiny white dot of light) of the person being tortured flew out to escape, and the other two followed. For some reason, we mutually agreed that the escaped spirit could hide in my mouth (lol), and I spent a long time trying to find a place where the spirit could live.  That was a short one, but weird.